50 Years of Cooking Mistakes: The Cost of Mutton, Boar, and Oysters

A home cook has tallied five decades of culinary errors, ranging from misidentified meats to uncuttable game. The most expensive mistake involved a dinner that cost the author her composure in front of future in-laws. The incident centered on a plate of salted dry oysters that forced a choice between spitting them out or vomiting on the carpet.

The timeline of these mishaps begins in Scotland, where a language barrier turned a first date dinner into a meat mystery. The author asked a butcher for a large steak to prepare steak à la poivre for her new husband. She later learned that the local dialect interpreted the request as mutton, a well-aged lamb. The meat served at the dinner was, by the couple’s calculation, 102 years old.

Subsequent failures involved game meats from family hunting trips. A taco dinner served at a brother’s home featured a secret ingredient revealed by a mounted boar head above the mantel. The author described the taste as superior to the appearance. A later attempt at preparing a wild duck resulted in a dish nicknamed Daffy Duck. After a three-day marinade, the bird proved impossible to cut with any available knife. The family’s yellow Labrador sniffed the platter and retreated to a corner, declining to eat it.

The author also attempted to replicate a family cookie recipe for a contest without testing it first. The entry won, but a Canadian couple who tried the published version reported the result was similar in consistency and flavor to an old tire. They found the cookies useful as hockey pucks.

The most socially damaging error occurred at a pre-wedding dinner at the author’s future in-laws’ home. The host served salted dry oysters as an appetizer. The author, raised on a farm with exposure to questionable foods, found the oysters nauseating. She spat the food out and told her betrothed it was the most horrible thing she had ever consumed. He announced this assessment to the other guests, creating a memorable first impression.

The couple survived the next 50 years of marriage without resorting to the guillotine, a contraption the author defined as a tool one would choose over eating unexpected food. The author now advises others to opt for steak, provided it is not mutton.